I blew it; I never should have said that! Have you ever felt bad about something you’ve said or done and wish you could take it back? Sure you have. We all have. Sadly, I’ve said things to people that weren’t said in love. It might have been true, but it wasn’t said in the right way.
The timing of my rationalized, yet hurtful words was bad. The person was too emotionally raw to hear my words. If you’ve ever put your foot in your mouth and regretted it you know what I mean. We might think that our words were reasonable and completely justified. After all, the words were true, didn’t they ‘get it’ are they really that ‘clueless’?
Here’s the hard part for many. We might have had the right intention, but the impact of our words or actions was not what we hoped for.
Unfortunately, unkind words and actions have caused the end of personal relationships and strained international relationships as well. See James 3:5-10
It’s going to be hard now after what I’ve said. What can I do now to make things better? I can apologize and say, “I’m sorry.” It sounds easy, but why is it so hard for so many to say that? Maybe it’s because we don’t really think we made a mistake?
In the fascinating and well researched book, Mistakes Were Made, (but not by me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts the authors explore people’s strong need for self-justification and the serious consequences.
“Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why the parade of public figures unable to own up to the huge implications of their decisions when they screw up? Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we see hypocrisy in others but not in ourselves?
Carol Tavris and Elliott Aronson
Self Deception
This self deception is seen in the words from the British politician, Lord Molson (1903-1991), “I will look at any additional evidence to confirm the opinion to which I have already come.” See Jesus’ parable the Mote and the Beam.
Have you ever noticed some people have 20/20 vision for faults and flaws and misdeeds of others but, complete myopia when it comes to themselves? Not you, of course, but some people do. It’s somebody else who has the problem.
In other words, the truth is we don’t see our blind spots, but others do. Other people know. They talk about it with each other, but this is just true for all of us, part of the human condition. Like the garden of old we confidently find fault with others, not owning up to what’s ours’.
Why is it so easy to justify and rationalize after we’ve hurt others? Maybe deep down we think they deserve it and were not even aware of it. Maybe it has more to do with us and not them. It can be different. The question is…Am I quicker to pass judgment on or gossip about other people than I am to see and feel the painful truth about myself?
With honest reflection you come to the realization that you made a big mistake. What can you do? Here are two suggestions:
First, before you apologize you must acknowledge that you made a mistake. Don’t rationalize and self-justify. Secondly, when you screw up admit,”I’m sorry for hurting you, I made a mistake, will you forgive me? I need to understand what went wrong. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”
In the final analysis the test of an individual’s integrity does not depend on being mistake free.
It depends on what we do after making the mistake. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu observed more than twenty-five-hundred years ago:
A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it. Having admitted it, he corrects it.
We all need help. What about you? Why not join me this week with a decision. If somebody says something to you that’s critical, instead of leaning away, defending or dismissing, try being more open and ask them to tell you more. That takes guts, but by God’s grace He can open our eyes to see more clearly the truth about ourselves.
I invite you to share any comments or suggestions about how we can do better by admitting our mistakes on this blog or by email.
Mark Skalberg
mark@startingoverworkshops.com
