Countless people are secretly burdened by loss in some form. They’ve lost someone that was deeply valued or experienced a broken relationship that seems beyond repair? For others it’s an incurable chronic health issue that has brought them to a place of helplessness and despair. The question is where do we go and what do we do with our losses?
Many in the midst of loss say they live in a place that feels like others are on the ‘outside’ who cannot fully understand without having experienced it themselves. Novelist Aleksandar Hemon refers to grief, “As living inside an aquarium that those on the outside could see in to a degree, but those inside the glass led a completely alien existence.”
When deep tragedies leave us feeling angry or helpless what does it look like to place our trust in God? How can we mourn with those who mourn and allow for grace and healing in our relationships and communities?
Grief is the emotional, psychological and mental experience that results from having lost someone or something deeply loved or valued. Mourning, on the other hand is something we do collectively and externally. According to Dr. Dean Nelson, “Mourning is something we do with the people around us—something that the community does.”
In the Time article by Ruth Davis Konigsberg says, “Grief is not a series of steps that ultimately bring us to a psychological finish line, but a grab bag of symptoms that come and go and, eventually, simply lift.” Grief can be a rollercoaster of emotional spirals. Certain memories from places, times and events related to our loss can bring so much distress we can avoid moving through the grieving process altogether.
Sometimes, instead of moving into the grief, we move away from it in hopes of removing the distress. This may provide short term relief, but can prolong the grieving process.
Grief is something not fully understood
There is no outline. There is no prescription for “getting through” the grieving process. “The temptation to understand the grieving process through an overly si mplistic framework or faulty assumptions can be damaging to those in the midst of their grief, causing even isolation, pain and resentment.”- Christopher Hazell
The way people grieve is just as varied as the uniqueness of their relationships with the people for whom they’re grieving. In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis describes his own debilitating grief after the loss of his wife; “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.” Grief is messy and unpredictable.
A place of comfort
Knowing that grief can be a slow process how can Christ followers come along side to provide a place of refuge? Believers are called to bring love and restoration to those who suffer in our midst which includes grief and mourning. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 This verse implies that mourning is not only acceptable, but has permissive expression in the church. Yet knowing this does the church, do we, do you comfort others?
We don’t do grief here
Our culture has impacted the way we respond to those who are hurting? Sadness doesn’t sell, so let’s move on quickly to a more positive perspective. Some don’t want to listen to someone’s suffering.
By tucking lament under the pews we lose out on a supremely biblical form of worship. Two-thirds of the Psalms are composed of lament psalms. Lament as a form of worship is overwhelmingly present. Walter Brueggemann, an Old Testament scholar and theologian refers to grief as “An awareness that things in our world are broken, bruised, and seemingly beyond repair- an experience of disorientation.”
If we don’t allow a space for honesty with God or the opportunity to have gut-level conversations with God our faith journey is stunted. This can lead to a cardboard faith based on fear and we lose out on an authentic relationship with God because were not honest with Him about our sufferings, struggles and fears. We pretend all is well, even though it isn’t. Jesus cried out from the cross Psalm 22:1, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?”
God’s people need not to turn away from lament, but include it in the worship of our daily lives
Grief in social media
At what point does being informed become problematic? Barriers seem nonexistent. With Face Book and Twitter there are no boundaries around when were exposed to events that call for mourning. With back to back exposures from the birth of baby to a bomb in Paris we can become numb and mayhem becomes mundane.
While posting grief on social media has be very helpful for many it can also be used to undermine the very thing it purports: Building community and connection. If used in place of real human connection it can be damaging and even dehumanizing. We can substitute social media for actual physical presence. Social media can be easier, but can be a shallow way to reach out to those in grief without any physical interactions.
While there is no doubt that social media can be a gift to help us connect and foster community, but not at the expense of real human connection
Loving others in grief
Those in grief don’t need someone to “fix them” but someone to come alongside them without answers, clichés or expectations, but walk with them through a time of sorrow. When Jesus arrived at Lazarus’ tomb and was told of His friend’s death. He wept. At times that is what is needed most.
Often we want to simplify and expedite the grieving process. All though it may be well-intentioned, loving someone in grief is never as simple as quoting scripture, praying with them, giving them space, or even crying with them. They may need all these things at different times, or perhaps none of them.” Christopher Hazell
It may not seem like enough, but sometimes all we can offer is letting someone know they are loved we are with them.
When we process grief we can develop a deeper heart capacity to help others grieve. Being more compassionate is at heart of what Christ is all about. As we process grief ourselves and with others may we be reminded that this world is not our ultimate home, we were made for a place without tears.
The end of mourning
We live in a broken world with much sorrow and we are not meant to do it alone. We have others who can help us and also the joy of knowing Jesus’ promise that he will always be with us. As Christ followers we can look forward to the day when we will experience our ultimate healing with our God who has measured all our tears.
