There is epidemic of loneliness in the U.S.
Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness. Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.
Webster’s simply says loneliness is ‘being without company.’ Countless hit songs from ‘Only the Lonely’ to, ‘Lonely, I’m so lonely’ provided plenty of income for song writers. There’s a reason millions related to the chorus of an old song from ‘A World without Love’
Please lock me away and don’t allow the day, here inside, where I hide with my loneliness
Many who experience loneliness are careful not to let people know they are. Millions think that their loneliness will go away by finding someone to take it away and so the search begins. The reasoning goes like this, ‘when’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married then I won’t be lonely anymore.
Unfortunately, many lonely hearts pursue the countless online offers that exploit their need for companionship. The pursuit takes a lot of your time and it can be utterly empty. For millions when their fantasy of thinking that someone will take away their loneliness does not become a reality they become so pessimistic that they don’t believe that a good relationship is even possible. Not true.
Regardless of your relationship status taking another look at loneliness can help us all, it might even change your life perspective. There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide a list of the many empty and dissatisfying things people do when they’re feeling lonely. Too many make poor decisions when they’re lonely. When you feel lonely what do you do and where do you go?
Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem and all they need to do is find the key, a person, and it will be solved once and for all. So, I’ll find someone to solve my loneliness and the search is on. No wonder 40 million go on line each week searching for their some kind of wonderful. Remember the scene from Jerry McGuire when Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone…” Many believe the same thing about themselves.
Yet, there is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.
Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.
All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd. Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”
Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers…”
Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.
Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved my marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.
The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach meaning and the consequences to loneliness, don’t we? Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture, like…
I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?
Join us next time for some practical answers to ‘what you need to do when you’re lonely?’
