To look back upon history can help us understand our origins, traditions and families. When humanity fails to understand and learn from history they are destined to repeat the past. It is no different for people like you and me. Although we should not give a “disproportionate power to our past” the past is not our enemy. Understanding and acknowledging our past is not a meaningless exercise.
Some say the past is past. While we can’t change the past we can learn from it. Being aware of the dynamics of a broken relationship is one thing, but understanding what our part was in a broken relationship is never easy, but extremely helpful for our future relationships. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about the numerous aspects of how family histories contribute to intimate relationships we can step back and learn from our past relationships.
In order to have the best possible meaningful relationships now and in the future it’s vitally important to understand three dynamics:
Understand what happened in the relationship
In order for you to move on and develop healthy relationships you need to look back on and understand what happened to contribute to the break up. This is the part of your journey where you’ll have to be extremely honest with yourself. It’ll do you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you and your former created together and clearly trace the threads of the events that led to the shipwreck.
Understand why you chose your former
People choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular being “love.” But what many consider to be “in love” is not really love at all. According to psychologist Neil Clark Warren here are some of the reasons for faulty mate selection:
A deep need to be wanted
A lifelong struggle to meet someone and “save” them or “change” them
A fear of being alone
Infatuation
Material security
The decision to get married is made too quickly
Decision is made at too young of an age
One or both persons are too eager to get married
One or both may be choosing a mate to please someone else
The couple has unrealistic expectations
One or both have unaddressed significant personality or behavior problems
If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, hopefully you’ll be able to see the beginnings of the breakup at the inception of the relationship. You’ll also start to build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.
Understand the truth about you
This truth is important because it builds on the previous dynamics. Jonathon Edwards, one of America’s most brilliant minds said, “Of all kinds of knowledge that we can ever obtain, the knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves are the most important.” Knowing that He is God and we are not and the difference it makes puts things into proper perspective.
No one is exempt, we all have blind spots. How often do we hear, mistakes were made, but not by me? How refreshing it is in this day and age of the extreme blame game when someone admits they’re wrong and simply says, “I’m sorry.”
Socrates said,”The unexamined life is not worth living.” The sad thing is most people avoid leading an examined life. It’s not that they don’t have time or make time. They just actively avoid examining their lives.
In contrast, people who do examine their lives, who think about where they’ve been, how they got here, and where they’re going, are much more contented people. No one has all the answers. And no one’s life is free from trouble and strife. But those who know who they belong to (namely God) and why they’re here are in a very fertile place to grow. So, how about you? If we apply these dynamics we’ll all be better off and those around us will appreciate it.
With Hope,
