I blew it, I never should have said that! Have you ever felt bad about something you’ve said and wish you could take it back? Sure you have. We all have. Sadly, I’ve said things to people that weren’t said in love. It might have been true, but it wasn’t said in the right way. The timing of my rationalized, yet hurtful words was bad. The person was too emotionally raw to hear my words. If you’ve ever put your foot in your mouth and regretted it you know what I mean…
We might think that the words we said were reasonable and completely justified. After all, the words were true, didn’t they ‘get it, are they really that ‘clueless’? Here’s the hard part for many. We might have had the right intention, but the impact of our words was not what we hoped for.
What about the person hearing your words? Did they enjoy them and say, “Wow, thanks, I really needed that?” No, probably not, unless they’re the exception. The person can be not only hurt and deflated, but devastated by our words. Unfortunately, unkind words have caused the end of personal relationships and strained international relationships as well. See James 3:5-10
It’s going to be hard now after what I’ve said. What can I do now to make things better? I can apologize and say, “I’m sorry.” It sounds easy, but why is it so hard for so many to say that? Maybe it’s because we don’t really think we made a mistake?
In the fascinating and well researched book, Mistakes Were Made, (but not by me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts the authors explore people’s strong need for self-justification and sometimes serious consequences.
“Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why the parade of public figures unable to own up to the huge implications of their decisions when they screw up? Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we see hypocrisy in others but not in ourselves?
– Carol Tavris and Elliott Aronson
This self deception is seen in the words from the British politician, Lord Molson (1903-1991), “I will look at any additional evidence to confirm the opinion to which I have already come.” See Jesus’ parable the Mote and the Beam.
Why is so easy to justify and rationalize when we hurt others? Maybe deep down we think they deserve it and were not even aware of it. Maybe it has more to do with us and not them. It can be different.
Hopefully, upon honest reflection you come to the realization that you made a big mistake. What can you do? Here are two suggestions:
First, before you apologize you must acknowledge that you made a mistake. Don’t rationalize and self-justify.
Secondly, when you screw up admit,” I’m sorry for hurting you, I made a mistake, will you forgive me? I need to understand what went wrong. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”
In the final analysis the test of an individual’s integrity does not depend on being mistake free. It depends on what we do after making the mistake. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu observed more than twenty-five-hundred years ago:
A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it. Having admitted it, he corrects it.
We all need help. I invite you to please share any comments or suggestions about how we can do better at admitting our mistakes. What about you? Do you need to make things right with someone?
With Hope,
