As a pastor over the years, especially to thousands of single adults I’ve personally seen the devastation of broken hearts that spin out of sexual relationships.
Even though many would agree that there is much cultural mushiness about sexual boundaries it’s not a subject most would want to talk about. Without boundaries, millions regardless of age, experience unnecessary disappointment and pain. There are no exemptions.
We all know that sexual abuse produces both victims and addicts with equal opportunity. I’ll spare you the sobering stats of what the lack of sexual boundaries has done to countless lives.
What are boundaries? From their book Boundaries: When to say YES and when to say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, authors Townsend and Cloud say, “having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.”
Boundaries impact the mental, emotional and sexual areas of our lives. Emotional and sexual boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
Here is the good news.
You can have the best possible healthy relationships by living according to three aspects of sexual boundaries:
First, recognize the characteristics of sexually dangerous people. Often times these characteristics can be very subtle at first, but manipulative users can be: charismatic, in positions of trust, share their whole sexual history right out of the gate, and constantly violate your stated boundaries.
They seek what they can get from you not what they can give you. They use you and move on to someone else. They see you as an object not as a relationship. They try you out emotionally and sexually if you let them.
They can spot your vulnerabilities and draw you in like a magnet with their radiating sexuality. Often times these persons create a kind of indebtedness like, “I’ll fix your car, house…” and later…
Secondly, have and apply clear boundaries. Setting them in advance will reduce your embarrassment and disappointment. Here are a few boundaries that can help:
Keep relationships clear. 1 Peter 5:8 Because not all people have the same limits having fuzzy boundaries creates confusion if you don’t. If you work with an unavailable, but an attractive and enjoyable person get it clear soon for the both of you.
Keep relationships clean. Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense. Pr.12:13.
Tell the truth, but that doesn’t mean being transparent in all areas too soon. Have discretion, emotional transparency all at once is not a trait to broadcast. Keeping boundaries clean helps keep them clear.
Where and how you look. Pr. 4:25-27 Looking can’t be prevented, but how and what you do with it can. What you wear can send a message you might not want to convey as well. Make wise choices with what you choose to view. As the psalmist said, “keep my eyes from worthless things.”
What you say. Ephesians 4:29; James 3:5-6
Your words can set you up for a relational shipwreck. Be mindful of how and what you say in your significant relationships. Be slow to speak and quick to listen…
Where you go. Pr.7:21-23, 25,27 Often caving-in occurs in specific places and times. If it’s a place where you have a history of failing with no conscious thought of the long term or short term consequences, make a better choice. It’s not fate, it is your choice…
Stay tuned. For the conclusion of ‘sexual boundaries’ from ‘Emotional Entanglement’ please check out our next blog. See the previous blogs from this series called Relationships: Connecting the Dots.
Maybe you might want to pass this on to a friend you care about?
With Hope,
Mark Skalberg
mark@startingoverworkshops.com
Twitter: @Mark Skalberg
Face Book: Recovery after Divorce
