According to this week’s international news fromColumbia some U.S. Secret Service agents cannot be trusted with the protection of national security due to their indiscretion. From the Sunnis and Shiites; Israelis and Palestinians, politicians, CEOs, corporations and institutions of every kind, even to telling our kids not to trust strangers, mistrust is everywhere.
Our recent poll asked how you would define trust. Many of you said that it’s hard to believe that someone will actually do what they say they will do. According to Gallup’s ’Trust in Freefall’, virtually every institution has lost public trust, especially Congress.
One third of the 40 million people looking for a date online are married, but they don’t put that in their profile. So, it’s understandable that people struggle with who to trust.
“Generally speaking, a loss of trust created by a violation of character (integrity or intent) is far more difficult to restore than a loss of trust created by a violation of competence (capabilities or results).” –Stephen Covey-
Lets’ face it we all have trust issues, yet we all want to hear, ‘I trust you.’
All of us have been wounded by a lack of trust from an institution or more importantly a person and it’s impacted how we perceive people and our relationships. I’ve told my kids regarding their social world to trust the people who prove they’re trust worthy.
Now, that is reasonable, but what does that look like? What is the basis of trust and how can I develop trust without having a cynical perspective? Especially after having been lied to and hurt as a result? Though it may be difficult, in most cases, lost trust can be restored and often even enhanced.
If you want to increase your relational trust in your life and have more rewarding relationships then there are a few things to consider.
We can trust God. I know that seems cliché to some of you, but it helps us to trust others by trusting God. The concept of trusting God has been so trivialized, overly simplified and misunderstood that many have a skewed perspective on what it means to trust God.
Contrary to some, trusting God and others is not easy. Unfortunately, some have even stigmatized God by the bad examples of His followers. They’ve been given an inaccurate spin and developed their own presuppositions of what God is like or even if there is a God.
It’s not surprising trusting God is a common theme of the Bible with the words trust, faith or belief used interchangeably from cover to cover. The Bible makes it very clear that trusting God is a response to who and what He does. To trust Him with your life is the result of His revealing Himself to us through creation, His mighty deeds, His Word, His faithfulness to keep all His promises.
God is not a man that He should lie (Heb.6:17-18) or repent. What a refreshing reminder considering the lack of truth telling today. God never needs to make an excuse for what He has said or done.
The Bible goes on to say that it’s impossible to please God without faith (Heb.11:6). So, the Bible is clear that we cannot have a relationship with God without trust or belief (John 3:16) Who needs a dead religion when you can have an intimate trusting relationship that matters and will last forever?
Now hopefully, most of us would not trust someone we do not know unless we’re being rescued from a burning building or they’re handing out cash…
Yet, God is all together different, transcending the boxes we put Him in. He desires us. He has and still is relentlessly and passionately pursuing us even if we think otherwise. He has initiated trust with us not the other way around.
Trust implies a relationship. From the Hebrews’ backs against the wall at the Red Sea, to Daniel in the Lion’s den, to David and his slingshot, to Job’s suffering, God has not deserted His people and He never will. God has proven He is trustworthy.
Grappling and understanding God’s unfathomable love for us enables us to not only trust him but others as well.
“The great spiritual task facing me is to so fully trust that I belong to God that I can be free, to be free to receive love from people and be grateful for all the signs of God’s presence in the world. I am convinced that I will truly be able to love the world when I fully believe that I am loved far beyond it’s’ boundaries.” -Henri Nouwen-
We can trust others. Yet, our relational histories, to a large extent, can hinder us in trusting others. Whether we recall intentional or unintentional wounds from others they impact us in how we perceive others’ intentions.
Some find it extremely difficult if not impossible to trust others. They just haven’t seen enough integrity that would merit trust. An individual’s capacity for trust depends on their childhood, background and experiences. They have been let down countless times. I get that.
Yet, Jesus told His disciples, “I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” He had been walking with them for a few years and trusted his friends with his life. Even in the garden when He asked for prayer they fell asleep and hours later would deny Him. Yet he loved them.
How can we build bridges of trust in an age of distrust?
How to trust?
“Demonstrate a propensity to trust. Extend trust abundantly to those who have earned your trust. Extend conditionally to those who are earning your trust. Do be quick to forgive-whether or not we choose to trust in the future, we always need to forgive.” -John McGee-
The more trusting we become the easier it is for another to trust us in a personal relationship.
Improving our listening will help immensely. Listen before you speak. Understand. Diagnose. Listen with your ears and your eyes and heart. Don’t assume you know what matters most to others. Don’t presume you have all the answers or all the questions. We need to be patient with other’s progress. If we judge others on how far they need to go according to our criteria we quench trust and we unintentionally drive them away.
If we want to develop trust and enjoy people today we need to allow room for their growth. Intimacy builds on trust, but an initial risk must be taken before trust can develop. There is no intimacy without risk. The risk is an intelligent leap of trust. Once taken, the more one puts into a relationship in trust, the more commitment increases.
Sometimes we want people to be trust worthy, yet we fail to realize our role in developing trust. It is so much easier to expect change from others than to work on transforming our own hearts to trust not only God, but others as well.
Your comments are appreciated below.
Mark
